Need Wood? 
     Tips for Getting Timber 
     By Woody Miller 

Hey, Woody!

Video porn has taken over my life. I can’t masturbate without it and it’s
getting to the point that I don’t want to have sex with other guys unless
porn is running on the VCR. At first I thought it would be a great way to
spice up my sex life but my sex partners tend to think I’m way weird.
Especially the ones I’ve never slept with before. The last guy was so
insulted he left my apartment in a huff. This is embarrassing, but it’s
harder and harder for me to get it up without watching a video.

—— Stuck in Rewind

Dear Rewind:
 As a porn connoisseur, I share your, ahm, passion for using the VCR like an
industrial toaster to heat things till they pop up with pleasure. Porn is so
automatic with me, sometimes I’m afraid I’m going to forget the tape and
accidentally stick my hoo-ha in the VCR and hit “Play.”
 And is it me, or does anybody else wish they’d just record the damn things
with no sound. I always watch it with the volume turned off. My God, if I
wanted music and conversation during sex I’d wake up my boyfriend.
 So asking me how to stay away from porn is like asking an alcoholic how to
lay off the sauce-you’re liable to hear some tortured rationalizations.
 Be that as it may, put the remote down and listen. I don’t see how watching too much porn is harmful as long as you’re alone and there’s nobody
competing for your attention. However, if you’re telling me you can’t get it up while hot live wood lays next to you because “Texas Stool Studs” isn’t flashing beaver like the pulsing “12:00” on my VCR clock, then it’s time to radio in for support because you’re on Planet Beyond in the Help Galaxy.
 Porn should serve as fuel for your fantasies, not as an escape hatch from
reality. Porn can be a wonderful libidinal lift for men to watch together, but in your case, it’s wedge that drives dates away.
 You’re not using porn as a “marital aid”-you’re using it as a way of avoiding
the complicated sexual and emotional realities of live flesh and blood. There’s something about sex with real people that’s scaring you to death, and you’re hiding behind the VCR to avoid it. You need to find out what it is before it consumes you. I encourage you to seek counseling.
 In addition, my advice is to throw your porn collection away (you have no idea how much that hurts me to say). As long as it’s there you’ll never come to grips with what you fear from live sex.

Dear Rubber-Road:
 If I had a dime for every hard-on that shrivelled through my condom-wrapped
fingers, I could pay the Clinton Legal Defense Fund out of petty cash. There’s two ways to overcome the “sensation cessation” caused by clumsy hands. The first involves practicing while you’re alone. Just keep doing it till you get the hang of it. But Method # 2 is by far the most effective in my opinion. I call the technique “delegating dick duty.” Simply put, it’s your partner’s job to put it on.
 I first learned it from a great lay who got tired of hearing the announcers
yell “fumble!” everytime I scrambled for yardage. Basically, when we’re getting ready to rumble he takes the condom out and does the honors. What I learned from him was not just that putting on a condom can be hot foreplay, but that the way he put it on was much quicker, eliminating any “down” time (pun intended). Here’s what he does: Instead of laying the condom on my
head and forcing the thing to unroll down, he takes his two index fingers and sort of lifts and separates the condom as he rolls it down the shaft. This stretches out the condom without getting my skin caught in it. Thank God for impatient, but clever bottoms. Now go find one.

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